Have you ever wondered why some of your most ignited and treasured friendships end up getting watered down? Perhaps some of these types might have been nothing but hot air from the very beginning. Others on the contrary might have been deep, the vulnerable type or even somewhat the covenant type where you promised to be in each other’s lives throughout all seasons till old age. Yet somehow 5, 6 or 8 years down the line there is very little or nothing that’s left of it. You wonder, “What happened to us?”
Some of the things that make our friendships fade away (from both ends) include:
- The famous one: lack of communication. Since we believe that our friendships will stand the test of time we often neglect communicating with the other person(s). Soon enough we feel like so many connected things have happened in our lives which we had not shared with them that makes it tedious to start explaining from the top.
- Harboring resentments. We will cross each other since we are human and prone to err. When we are hurt and fail to express this (because perhaps we feel it is petty) we will just carry little bits of resentment that eventually damage the quality of the friendships.
- Familiarity breeds what? Contempt. Crossing each other’s boundaries just because we assume that they will be okay with it or because of how we know they’d react and we can manage them.
- Gossiping each other and other people. You are essentially telling your friend that you are okay talking ill about other people so what makes them trust that you will not gossip them when things are not okay between you?
- Envy and lack of support. Maybe you both started off at the same level or one above the other but with time things shift. They seem better off in some aspect of their lives than you and this stirs envy and despair within you. Comparison kills.
- Lack of empathy. Not being able to discern how your behavior affects the feelings of your friend could hurt the relationship. Being overly critical of them, making fun of them, minimizing their feelings, stonewalling them, making disparaging remarks ,labelling, name calling, sidelining them etc. only makes the friendship dissatisfying to them,
- Using the other person. Only one person is giving in the friendship and barely receiving any reciprocation. This may make one feel that they are just being used and not being truly valued.
- Making several unfulfilled promises that makes the other party lose trust in you.
There are so many reasons why friendships dwindle and eventually die. Try to identify and see what things you do to your friends as well as what they do that hurts the relationship and have candid conversation about them.
By Magdaline Gacheru
Hospital psychologist
Chiromo Hospital Group
